1000 Ways To Die: 10 Ridiculous Deaths of Historical Figures That Are Both Horrific and Hilarious.

To be honest, we are all terrified of death, 

especially as we do not know when it will 

come to us all. 

In all fairness, it is a very serious issue that 

you may wonder why I make light of it in this 

article.

I am guilty as charged. But I promise if you 

read on, you may just come to understand the 

ephemeral nature of life and why being too 

serious is such a drag.

It's alright to chuckle and giggle behind your 

phones. In Timaya's voice... "This life, I can't 

kill myself..."

1. Harry Houdini 

This known illusionist died by one of his




own tricks. You obviously can cheat nature




for too long. 

Cause of Death: Stomach Boxing.

One of his many tricks was to brazenly hold




a punch to his stomach like one would hold



a grudge, by stiffening his abdominal



muscles. But nature served him his tea, hot,



as Houdini got punched without first



stiffening his muscles. He suffered days



later from the after-effects of his own trick



and a ruptured app



endix.

2. Hans Steininger

Steininger's death was literally a "the evil




you do would come back to haunt you",





kind of death. To keep a beard is





much chore, but then to keep one that




long?




Who even does that? STEININGER!

Cause of Death: Death by Beard.

Yup. This man who lived in the 16th



century, in a place that is now Austria, kept



a beard that was four-foot-long, and kept it



in a pouch for safekeeping.

One night while trying to flee when his





house was on fire, he tried to 'unwrap' the





beard from its pouch, but somehow tripped





on it and broke his neck.




Ouch!

3. Sherwood Anderson

Not to make fun of his death, but this great





American novelist was put to rest by




something so very small, it is almost




implausible.

Cause of Death: Punctured by a 


Toothpick.

On a cruise to South America with his wife,




Sherwood had complained of severe




abdominal discomforts, and stopped at a




hospital in Panama for treatments. But he




died later of peritonitis—an inflammation




of the tissue lining the abdomen, whichwas





later revealed through autopsy, was caused





by a toothpick he accidentally swallowed





while consuming a hors d'oeuvres. The





small toothpick punctured his internal





organs and caused a mighty infection that




claimed his life in 1941.

4. Tycho Brahe

Tycho Brahe was a famous astronomer of




the 16th century whose work is famed tobe




nearly as important as Copernicus' in





developing modern astronomy.

But he knew more of mathematics and so





little of health sciences that he paid dearly





for it.

Cause of Death: Burst Bladder.

This math genius thought it rude to excuse





himself at a dinner banquet, and held his





pee throughout the Royal banquet. This led





to a bladder ailment that killed him in






1601. 

Despite rumors that he was poisoned,






autopsy by danish scientists in 2010





showed





he most likely died from a ruptured







bladder.

So when next you're thinking of sucking up






your pee, let Brahe's name ring a bell



.

5. Clement Vallandigham

This remarkable lawyer was in the middle







of demonstrating how another man may







have accidentally shot himself, when he in





fact killed himself.

Cause of Death: Accidental Suicide.

In July 1871, former congressman,




Clement,





who turned lawyer, was making frantic






efforts to show his fellow lawyers how the





victim in a saloon shoot out may have died.

In a slight mistake that caused him his life,






Clement picked up one of the two pistols





seated on the table and unfortunately went




for the loaded one.

The rest was history.

6. President Felix Faure

What better way than to die in the arms of




your lover? Only that in this case,





Marguerite Steinheil was a 'baroness', with






a penchant for affairs with many other






influential men.

Cause of Death: Stroke of Pleasure.

Felix François Faure's case was the literal






"no go dey do pass yourself" type of case.





For the 58 year old man took an




aphrodisiac that was supposed to make





him




perform the herculean sex task, but ended




up in a stroke midway to orgasm.

Funny, huh? 

This unusual death of the President, spiked




sarcastic comments around 19th century





France. For example, Georges Clemenceau





summarised his death in a few, but explicit,





words: “The voulait être César, the ne fut





que Pompée” (could mean both “he wished





to be Caesar, but ended up as Pompey”, or





“he wished to be Caesar and ended up





being blown”). You should know also that,





"pomper" in French means oral sex. This




further depicts that Felix was having his




horn blown when he 'blew'.

Enjoying this article so far? Click here to




read about 10 insanely ridiculous




marriages to things other than a human.

7. Aeschylus 

This Greek playwright, known as the father






of Greek Tragedy, died from the funniest




reason so far on our list.

Cause of Death: Mistaken (territorial) 



identity.

No written account truly knows if





Aeschylus had a head that shone like




polished glass. 

But it is known that in 455BC, while taking




a walk in his yard, an eagle threw a




tortoise




on his head, in the hopes that it was a




sturdy rock capable of smashing the shellof



a reptile.

8. Arius

Arius was one of the earliest heretics of





Christianity in the 4th century AD.

Cause of Death: How do I say this? He 


shat his bowels out.

No kidding. He did it in a public toilet.







While it was rumoured that he was





poisoned, a sort of political assassination.






Others say he was smitten by God for





heresy.

Heresy or not, according to one of his




political opponents: "A faintness came over




him, and together with the evacuations his





bowels protruded, followed by a copious




hemorrhage, and the descent of the smaller






intestines: moreover portions of his spleen





and liver were brought off in the effusion






of




blood, so that he almost immediately died."

This is enough imagery to last you and me




both, a lifetime.

9. Queen Sunandha

Next time you crave the Royal life with all





its luxuries, remember Queen Sunandha.

Cause of Death: Unadulterated Blue 


Blood.

In a place that is now Thailand, a queen




was left to drown because of the blue blood





that flowed through her veins.

Perhaps it was believed then, that a




commoner's touch will adulterate her




majesty's distinguished blood type. Which




was very silly and hilarious because, other




than face capital punishment for touching




the Queen, they rather just let her and one-





year-old baby drown at sea, when their





boat capsized in 1880.

What do they say about choosing the lesser



evil?

10. Attila the Hun
.

This warlord of the 5th century AD thatwas







feared for his war tactics, was not killed by




the Romans or the Goths, but by his own





foolery.

Cause of Death: A wine too many.

Just kidding. It was in fact a nosebleed,





brought upon him by his overindulgence in






453AD.

What was that saying again? "If God wills



it,




even a fly could kill a King."

Such truth. But Attila's was a keg too many.





On his wedding day to the fairest Ildico, he






drank late into the night, so much so that





he






did into a stupor and choked on his own




blood.

Think about it this way, have you ever been





so wasted that getting up to use the loo was






a drag, that you'd rather just shit yourself? 

Yup. That's exactly the picture I'm trying to




paint with this Hungarian warrior.

There you have it! 10 horrific and hilarious




deaths of people that are now history. 

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